good grief

Could this day BE any more yuck? Wait, it's not over yet. I shouldn't be asking that question.

I went to my hospital appointment this morning. They asked me for a urine sample which came up positive for pregnancy. I started spotting at the hospital but only briefly. The nurse was as tall as a giraffe and supremely kind. My kind of nurse. I like giraffes and I like kind nurses. I was taken into a room for a scan. I was asked if I was sure of my dates. Um yeah, l chart that business down. You can pinpoint my o's and p's. I leave off the s's cuz that is far too anal and personal. She asked me again how sure I was. I was beginning to get a glimmer of hope even though I KNEW nothing was alive. She found something, possibly a sac that could contain something too small to be detected. Everything else was normal. It was inconclusive. She needed a doctor to examine it. They took some blood to measure my HCG levels. 392. Previous miscarriages have been at 82. If you have never been pregnant this will have zero meaning to you. I was examined internally and they found my cervix to be closed, high, and no blood. The doctor could not determine where the pregnancy is/was. Everyone kept asking me how far along I was in the pregnancy as if it were viable, ALIVE. It's not alive. I know it. Something is hanging on somewhere in my body. Nobody had answers. I am not in pain. I am not bleeding. I am pregnant. The pregnancy is almost certainly not viable. I have to sit and wait. I have to sit and wait and remain normal until Friday when I go in again to have my HCG levels checked. If they rise, this is not good. If they decrease, then we see what else mother nature has in store for me. Either way leaves me in a complete nightmare of limbo. Like I said, yuck. I don't think I have ever felt so uneasy and out of control. I handle things. I keep positive. I am stable.
Right now I am not handling things. I am not positive. I am not stable.

My Iphone was stolen yesterday as well. From my HOME. The sub human twerp got his teenage kicks and deleted all my emails thus alerting me in time to have the phone barred. Did you know that once an Iphone is barred that it can never be used again. Ever (or so they say)?

Despite all this, I can say that every single email, phone call, text, thought, blog comment, hug, drink, food, etc etc that has been given/sent to me has helped me. I may not have responded. I still might not respond but I know who is by my side literally and figuratively (if that even makes sense). From the bottom of my hormonal slightly crazed heart-thank you.

There actually has been a positive part of the day. Well two, Indigo and Kalila. Well three, their daddy as well. My family. If I never have another pregnancy ever never ever again, it doesn't matter. I have my family. I need to repeat that over and over and over.

We had a parents evening at big school tonight and we were given his class/teacher list. I couldn't be more pleased (with the exception of a few of his friends not being in his class but they are open with the other class anyway.) He got the teacher I secretly wished he would. Something about her, I was drawn to. I can't explain it. I knew she was the one for my little boy. He has got an excellent group of children to learn with. I feel so confident that I can trust them with my first born son. He means the world to me and by the sounds of it, they will nurture and teach him in ways I can't. I am so excited for him. And most importantly I trust them.

Thanks for reading my innermost thoughts. It helps to get this weirdness out of me. I'm feeling a millimeter better just for having written it down. Now get outta here and give your loved ones a kiss or a call and tell them you love them. that's an order.